Ranking Team GB’s 27 Rio Golds

Everyone is clearly finding it difficult to process the fortnight of sheer brilliance Team GB have just compiled in Rio. Mark Chapman had to interview so many medallists he ran out of questions, asking champion number 25 Liam Heath whether his success was due to it being socially acceptable to go to the gym nowadays. The Daily Mail set its editorial policy to one side in celebrating the singular talent of Mo Farah. Politicians fell over themselves trying to sell Olympic glory as a clincher in arguments about Brexit.

In the Internet age there is only one way to provide order amidst such tumult: a list. But Chappers and the DM and the Brexiteers had easy access to a simple list of medal winners. So a further step is required: a ranked list. This list will take as its premise the old Orwellism that all golds are equal, but some golds are more equal than others (and assumes that if the Internet has an appetite for 6000 words on NBA logos, it has an appetite for 5000 words on Olympic golds (thanks for everything Grantland)).

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